A quarter of this year has flown by, and during that time, I’ve gotten whiplash from the amounts of crazy bullshit life has thrown at me, from every which direction. During that time, I’ve also found bits and pieces of myself I never really noticed were gone.
First and foremost: I started writing more, and I got a job. Multiple jobs; they pushed me in directions I’d never been despite being virtual. If you’ve already read my other recaps, you know this.
Something new you probably don’t know: I am now a social media intern for a women-oriented digital media company. It’s fully remote, and my team is pretty nice as far as flexibility goes. I’m grateful to be employed again because nothing feels worse than sending out my resume and being ghosted. Well, aside from scalding my tongue with the burnt watered-down coffee sitting next to me. Seriously though, I’m grateful to have an income again and the motivation to keep creating things (i.e., this blog).
I only wish I was creating more. Not Instagram captions nor copywriting for Facebook affiliate links. No shade to my job, I like my job. I just don’t like where I’m at, I suppose.
If the fairy godmother from Shrek cast a spell turning me into a glass of water, I’d be half empty.
I DID, however, apply to my first screenwriting fellowship! Nearly self-titled: Delusional. I have zero expectations, but I’m extremely happy about finally completing an application. Nobody told me how difficult bio essays were. It took me 3 days to submit. I had a massive headache.
Things take time and time takes patience, something that I am admittedly horrible about. I’d like to spend all day writing my scripts, but vomit drafts are just that. Vomit drafts. The reality is that if I want to create meaningful things, it’s going to take time. Bad writing and the subsequent improvement of that bad writing. In the meanwhile, I’ve got to find something else to keep me excited and fulfilled.
I guess that’s what April was full of; activities to keep me excited about the future. Most of which involved curating the perfect 80’s playlists, joining writing groups on Twitter, binging HBO series, and daydreaming about creating mini-vlogs on my mid-afternoon walks.
I tell myself that I’m not doing enough, but I also don’t want to burn out. One step at a time.
If you’re picking up a theme, it’s my inability to be satiated with where I’m at now. Last month’s confidence dwindled a bit, but I do know I’m worth a hell of a lot more than I can believe at the moment. I am more than my vomit drafts and anxiety about my career success.
I’m sure I’ll eventually strike a balance where I feel like whatever’s on my plate is not only the perfect amount but something actually appetizing. I won’t doubt myself, nor feel like I made a wrong decision. This is applicable to all decisions big and small, from posting TMI TikToks (mine are currently on private) to pursuing new professional and personal ventures.
What I really want, and what is a major source of my anxiety, is the big ole plan to move to Los Angeles. I’ve been talking about moving for 1.5 years and even acknowledging that it’s taken that long feels embarrassing. In the grand scheme of things, nobody cares that an almost-23-year-old feels like she’s behind when she’s really not.
‘Cause I’m not. I can also be reasonable with myself and come to the conclusion that the reasons it’s taken this long are due to the following:
Covid. The obvious one. The painfully obvious one.
The insane job market and lack of job security. See above: internships that have gotten my foot in the door…and subsequently slammed.
Getting my finances in check.
The biggest one is number four.
I didn’t have enough experience.
Yes, people move states with $500 and a duffel, but I am not them. I tried minimalism, it’s not for me.
Seriously though, I didn’t have enough experience. That’s an easy thing for a perfectionist to admit, but difficult for an insanely career-driven person. I am both. After all this time, I can confidently say I know what I want, and I’m capable of getting it. Begrudgingly… I’m glad I took the time to get here.
Saving is hard when you have a treat yourself mindset but I’m MAKING IT HAPPEN 😡
—E