I want to be the best version of myself. Whether effort goes into achieving that goal is subjective. I have an issue with productivity, and the anxiety of not doing enough eats me up and continually spits me out.
This is why I’d be perfect for LA.
Jokes aside – The past month and a half (we are halfway into September) has been, well, mostly static. It’s frustrating to think about all that could have been done, and all that wasn’t. I genuinely wish I could be the person to relax with a glass of hot cocoa and watch movies all night. I try to be that person, but the morning after provides a guilty-like hangover of which alcohol is not the culprit.
I feel lazy for enjoying doing nothing. Yet somehow, August felt like a lot of . I revised my resume and added a social media ‘portfolio’ for fun. A portfolio added to a portfolio. We all know this is actually a blog.
In addition, I didn’t write at all. Sure, everyone has stagnant months, but I can’t help but feel like an idle POS when it happens. Despite all of this, I can recognize that too much at once is a surefire way of burning myself out. This isn’t just a personal discovery – it’s widely known that stress causes burnouts.
The problem is that my method of avoiding burnout doesn’t fix those feelings of toxic productivity. Taking a month-long break doesn’t make me feel better. Slowing down and taking a moment to distance myself from the constant clattering of my keyboard keeps me from giving up all together, but simultaneously fuels my thoughts that I am simply not good enough.
My logic: If I was good enough, I wouldn’t need breaks at all. Taking such long breaks means I don’t have discipline. If I don’t have discipline, I’m not cut out for success. If I’m not cut out for success, why even bother?
Then the counter-clock afterthought: I can only be successful if I try, so I have to try. Success is more than just discipline; it’s the ability to face rejection and failure as learning experiences. Breaks are needed because I’m more than just what I’m creating or doing and I deserve time to relax and do nothing. I am good because I take breaks and can pace myself.
I call it The Hamster Wheel of Anxiety – seemingly squeaking in perpetuity.
That is, until recently! I am a big fan of advocating for mental health awareness, and I’m finally at the point where I can call BS on myself for being a hypocrite. I can’t continue to function with anxiety like this. Not only is it unhealthy, it’s extremely unfair to me. I shouldn’t need to rely on my creative ventures to feel worthy, nor rely on outside validation. That has to come from me, and part one of that is developing a higher sense of self worth and confidence.
Though I have brief glimpses of confidence here and there, it isn’t sustainable enough for me to truly believe in myself long term. Maybe it’s because I’m a perfectionist. Maybe it’s because I’m an INFJ. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Regardless, self-confidence is something I intend to explore deeply. That and taking up space. Oh, fuck. I really need to be better at taking up space.
Too often I’m okay with being a behind-the-scenes kind of girl, but frankly, I don’t actually love it. I recently discovered this with a script I wrote. For context: My East Coast friend and I dreamed of co-creating a production company (and subsequent theatre) for underrepresented creatives with an interest in film and studio art. I drafted a script for a short film and badda bing badda boom. She’d love to direct it. I’m extremely happy and excited for her directorial debut. I’ve also been struck with the realization that I want to produce what I write.
It seems obvious that every screenwriter would want to direct too… right? I didn’t think so until a couple of weeks ago. C’est la vie. It gives me Bill Hader vibes. Like me, he explored a number of careers before finding the perfect fit. While my gigs have been more corporate (talent assistant, social media specialist, etc) his time as a chauffeur and apparent coffee guy for porn stars lends itself to more or less fascinating conversation starters.
In fact, dear reader, if you would like to be as obsessed with Bill Hader as I am – because you also struggle with anxiety and dream of being an auteur – might I suggest his feature on The Hollywood Reporter. It really does give me some hope that I can transform my struggles into something as brilliant and outstanding as Barry. More notably: that whatever I create can make others that struggle with similar issues feel seen, heard, and entertained by our own messiness.
BH aside, I’m glad I realized all this sooner than later. In fact, I feel it’s a massive push towards filmmaking. I’ve no idea how to start or what to do, and that’s what’s magical. One thing I DO know, however, is that if I set my mind to something, it’ll get done. Maybe not overnight, but I’ve always been a long game time of gal. This ushers in last month’s theme about being more graceful with myself.
I definitely word-vomit the same themes each month, but I feel they’re important enough to do so. I did in fact meet the majority of my goals last month!!! That’s a win. I’m keeping this blog post short-ISH because I’ve lumped together half of September with August. See you all (my 3 readers) in 2 weeks.