NaPoMo but like, not at all

I’m giving myself the green light. We’re halfway through June, and I’ve started and stopped writing more times than I can count. I feel a burst of energy, most often when I’m preoccupied, and try to find it again, hours later, to no avail. Last night, I wrote for two hours, hit publish, and saw that only half saved. I. Love. Life.

I shut my laptop and took a deep breath. Usually, I’d take that as some sign from the universe for blah blah bleep blorp, but I’m so over assuming the worst about things. So, in the middle of the month, I’m starting a month-long personal writing challenge; I have learned the art of discipline from my marathon training, and I am wise enough now to know that the best writers are not the ones without the least amount of mistakes, typos, or rewrites–they are those with the most discipline. 

So. Here goes nothing.

Yesterday I was in a funk (I am often in a funk), but this particular funk was unshakeable. I walked around South Pasadena, a place I frequented when I lived alone in Glendale, friendless. I worked remotely for BuzzFeed at the time, and spent many, many, many hours in coffee shops compiling lists like 50 Harry Potter Jokes To Accio Make You Crack Up Laughing, 15 Best Cooking Shows Every Culinary Aficionado Needs To Watch, and my personal favorite, 165 Spicy Never Have I Ever Questions That Are Dirty, Wild, And Kinky As Hell. What can I say? I’m sex-positive. 

Even in the glory of my SEO clickbait bylines, my so-called dream job didn’t feel fulfilling, and it didn’t pay well either. I have a habit of getting the things I want, and then feeling some odd emptiness when it comes to celebrating my achievements. It worries me, but I put it on the back burner and tell myself, “Well, you just haven’t accomplished everything that’s meant for you yet. Once you do, that feeling will go away. It’s fine.” Famous last words. 

It’s been years since, and I’ve worked for two studios; the very thing I fought tooth and nail for, working in the film industry, has still not filled that weird void inside of me. How many things can I possibly accomplish before I can give myself credit? I tell myself my degree meant nothing, my experience is nil, and my writing is terrible. All things I know are not true. 

I thought about all this while I got my coffee at Jones. I love that Lactaid milk is becoming popular. I sipped my white-chocolate flavored latte while poking into thrift stores. Old, scratchy dresses were tagged at a steep $75, and I kept taking pictures of the patterns, inspired. I’d stare at the tile patterns on the storefronts and wonder, are those pointing up or down? Both. Schrodingers tiles. A litmus test for a negativity bias.

Eventually, I came across one of those whimsical gift stores owned by a middle-aged suburban white woman. This one was good. The entryway had windchimes with metal-hammered bunny accents, strings of beads of every size and color, wild animal garlands, and pieces of hand-dyed fabric strung about. I peered through every display, wondering what my mom would like best. It’s a tendency I have; when I’ve spent enough time being confused about what I would like or what I think would make me happy, I think about what would make her happy, and somehow I’m a little less clueless than before.

I found a purple square of fabric I thought she’d love as a handkerchief or neck tie, and fixated on a flowering fortune for myself. I opened it this morning, hence my inspiration.

It’s a little white beckoning cat with a tiny fortune in the bottom. You pull it out, read it, and then plant it–it’s got seeds in the paper–so that your fortune may grow. Woo woo, but I’m into it. I like that I can keep the little cat figure on my desk as a reminder of what I’m growing, but also because I am a sucker for trinkets. Here’s what it reads, and how I feel about it.

Love: You are in a very good moment.
I agree. I’ve never felt more loved by a person. I’ve never wanted to be better for myself and for them so deeply. I am lucky to have grown into love with them. 

Health: Keep smiling and share your positive energy with others.
Trying.🤘

Study: Go for something you have been interested in.
I keep thinking about journalism and creative writing. Nothing in this world is lucrative anymore.  Might as well. 

Travel: Something great is waiting for you if you travel a far distance.
I believe it, too. Back when I was into more woo-woo shit, my birth chart often urged me to find success outside of my home. I sometimes worry about whether or not I can really have it all, but I try and remind myself that worrying never, ever helps.

Social: Not so good, but could turn better if you are considerate.
So it goes. I am trying to be more considerate. For myself and others.

Money: Good, luck will come unexpectedly. 
Incroyable. 10/10, no notes.

Wishes: Will come true in a near future, including those selfish wishes.
I really hope so. 

Work: Will stay the same.
Goddamnit.

Sincerely,
Elena