One of the hobbies listed on my resume is ‘creating Spotify playlists.’ I fell off for a minute there, but recent life developments have me scrolling thru the app as if it were the latest, hottest social media platform.
I’ve always been a lover of nostalgia and the way it’s so poignant and sweet, and music exemplifies this. Shout out to the Spotify Wrapped and Apple Music Replay playlists from years before – relistening to them makes me feel like a teen again. 15 and obsessed with Matt Healy from The 1975, 17 and in love with Kali Uchis and Miguel. My favorite is ’19 when I experienced my first heartbreak and had Billie Eilish and Journey on repeat.
I had time to curate a few playlists the week my family was gone in NYC; a window that provided me the ability to sing loudly while cooking a single-serve salmon bowl. I thought about how it felt to be alone and bask in the quietness. I remembered the time when I was alone in Chicago, and how it felt being independent. I loved it – I miss it.
Between pop hits of the 00s and the best indie of ’14, I considered whether I was happy with the current state of affairs. At home: with family and familiarity, and without rent and a car note. I am accepting of this, but not content.
I’ve no idea what I want, but I do know what I don’t want. That’s something. Now I’ve said this time and time again, that I’ve wanted to move and try something new – but there’s this newfound intent behind it. As if the fear of failure no longer outweighs the possibility of success, and if success has been found to be entirely subjective and totally up to me. I’d like to say I trust myself. To accept the areas I need to work on and celebrate the ones I’ve mastered.
Within the pre-chorus of “Broken Clocks” by SZA, I find myself transported back to the time I felt too insecure to make new friends. It was sophomore year at DePaul, in the pre-pandemic times. I’d moved to a 4-bedroom downtown in The Loop, where my roommates were seen only in passing. I’d joined a few clubs and sat in the corner during weekly meetings, afraid to speak up.
Can I say things have changed? Absolutely.
I consider the evolution of those weekly meetings, and how eventually I’d grow to become a well-known face in all the mixers and campus events. I revel in the fact that they’ve shaped me into who I am now – a (self-proclaimed) well-spoken and fairly well-rounded person of the party. I still prefer the areas of the room where two walls meet, but I’ve gotten better at being less of a wallflower.
That’s growth! That’s intent. That’s refusing to settle and doing the work, being uncomfortable, to get to a place where I feel proud of myself. It’s a long but rewarding process. I’m terrified of apartment hunting and calling around for car shipping quotes, but it feels so good to finally get the ball rolling.
I just hope I’m not absolutely bawling on the plane come winter…
Anyhow, another playlist was added to my library, titled ‘cloudy.’ It’s for listening to while I type blogs like this, and for when I’m writing a pilot for my next screenwriting class. I paid a pretty penny for it, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s difficult to watch the text cursor blinking on an empty page of Final Draft, knowing damn well I’ve so many ideas to write, but struggling to get any out.
Thankfully, I’ve persisted. There’s a series of one-pagers and short films cluttering my desktop that I’m elated to see; each one feels like a baby step towards a bigger goal. I’m getting over my fear of half-baked and typo-ridden ideas!
As I rack my brain for more things to write about, only a few come to mind:
One – Mercury retrograde is finally over.
Infamous for disruption, endings, and tech issues, I can say this one was tough emotionally and financially, as my beloved Chevy cruze decided it was hungry for an entire check.
Sigh. Eye roll. Annoyed emoji.
Two – I really DO manifest the best things.
I told myself 4-ish years ago that I’d only publicize my blog to close friends, but made the decision nearly a year ago to share my thoughts openly. I weighed the pros and cons and came to the conclusion that the right place would hire me even after reading my entries. No ifs ands or buts. I mean, there’s literally a space for your blog on most job applications, why not include it? #Manifesting it. And guess what? It worked.
So happy to know it set me apart and landed me a brilliant, supportive team. Aside from landing a fellowship – that I thirsted over for months – I’m happy I’ve gotten comfortable sharing my very real and (occasionally) emotionally charged thoughts.
Three – Halloween in another city cannot come fast enough.
There’s a roll of Cinestill 800t sitting in the fridge waiting to capture all the spooky, aesthetic, and chilly parts of the city. I’m so unbelievably excited about revisiting Chicago. And Halloween. AND STAN’S DONUTS.
and Four – AHHHH THE SHORT FILM IS IN THE WORKS
As stated in the last blog post, a short script I wrote is being directed by my best friend and will be filmed this coming week! I’m beyond excited to see the result, and so, so in love with our little indie production company, Monopoly Film House.
—E